Hi there. If it seems like I’ve been gone for quite a while, well, I have. The last column I wrote was about how I wouldn’t be watching the Olympics this year. I stayed true to my word, by the way. Not one jot or tittle of the opening or closing ceremonies. No swimming, no running, no gymnastics-ing. Instead, I kept my eye on other stuff, hoping to be inspired to write something fun. Perhaps unsurprisingly for an election year, I was sucked in by politics.
Man, I wish I had watched the Olympics instead.
The thing that brought me to this realization was a night recently where I watched two conservatives I follow on Twitter tearing each other’s throats out over Donald Trump.
These guys (who shall remain nameless) are both stalwart and reliable conservatives. Both of them have been able to get along in the past. But one has reluctantly decided to support Trump because he thinks a Hillary Clinton presidency would be a disaster this country might not recover from, while the other, while not supporting Hillary by any stretch of the imagination, thinks Trump would be just as bad. Watching them hurl insults and invective at one another, I came to two conclusions: First, we’re going to have to put all of this behind us and work together again sometime in the near future. Second, failing that, someone is going to have to travel back in time to fix all of this. And I think I know how, in part, we can achieve the latter.
Let’s talk about the frankly more boring but only slightly more plausible part of all of this first. Whoever wins in November (and I’ve been staggeringly wrong as recently as four years ago, but I think it’s going to be Hillary and it won’t be close) those of us on the right are eventually going to need to mend some of the fences that have been not just broken but spray-painted with obscenities, torn down, and set on fire during this election season.
I think I owe it to you to be honest and tell you right here that I’m part of the #NeverTrump faction. (And for those of you who are about to stop reading and burn me in effigy, I’m #NeverHillary, too.) I think the man has been a disaster for conservative politics, and his nomination actually prompted me to quit the GOP, of which I had been a member since the day I turned 18. But I’ve tried—not always successfully, mind you—to be civil about it. I will not tell anybody else how to vote, I won’t question their reasons for voting (or not voting) for whomever they prefer, and I would certainly like to keep all of this from damaging any of my personal relationships. But I will say that when one party puts up a vainglorious, thin-skinned, dishonest, money-grubbing, power-hungry New York liberal as its candidate and the other party puts up…pretty much the same (see what I did there?), it’s time I took my business elsewhere. I suggest you Google “SMOD2016.”
But we’re all going to have to learn to live together again after this is all over. No matter who wins, ISIS is going to want to murder us, federal spending will be out of control, and Lena Dunham will probably still have her terrible television show. Conservatives are going to have to unite to fight these battles, no matter which dumpster fire happens to be occupying the Oval Office.
Aw, who am I kidding? That’s never going to happen. Well, not for quite a while, anyway. People’s nerves are too raw after months of being called a sucker or a racist or a “cuckservative” or a closet Hillary-supporter for there to be any meaningful healing possibly for years, so we’re going to need to travel back in time to stop the one man who I believe to be responsible for this awful, awful mess we find ourselves in.
I am speaking, of course, about Ross Perot.
Think about it. If we could send someone back to the early 90’s to convince Perot not to throw his hat into the ring, any number of things might be vastly different. First of all, assuming his presence didn’t siphon off enough votes from George H.W. Bush to allow Bill Clinton to sleaze his way through the White House, Hillary would likely be an obscure former Arkansas First Lady known primarily for making a nasty remark about the late Tammy Wynette. Al Gore might still be a Senator from Tennessee instead of the sore loser of a 2000 election that the lunatic left never got over. It’s even possible that someone a bit less feckless (more feckful?) that Bill Clinton might have taken out Osama bin Laden well before the atrocities of 9/11. And rich guys with bees in their bonnets about trade deals and Mexico might not get any big ideas about jumping into presidential politics.
Sure, convincing Perot not to run could also conceivably set off a chain of events that lead to World War III or the Ape Uprising or Lena Dunham becoming the host of The Price Is Right, but I think these are all contingencies many of us could live with, so long as we were assured that we wouldn’t wake up on November 9th knowing that one of the two living disasters currently slouching toward Pennsylvania Avenue was guaranteed to win. I mean, I’m pretty sure I could personally learn to live with Dr. Zaius, if it came to that.
We put a man (several of them, in fact) on the moon, people. We can put a man back in 1992 and fix this. Oh, and while he’s there, maybe he could talk to David Bowie and Prince about taking better care of themselves and seeing the doctor a little more often, too. This year has really sucked.
Image Source: Wikimedia Commons/Allen Warren
Image License: CC BY-SA 3.0